It's not about me. It's not about me. I keep telling myself that.

At age 15, I decided that I wanted to make my own paycheck so against my parent's wishes I got a job. 

At age 17-sh, I decided I needed a car so I purchased one. 

At age 19, I decided that I wanted to buy a brand new car so I did. 

What does this have to do with Sheila Gregoire's Wifey Wednesday? 

Everything. 

Keep reading.

Let's fast forward to age 29. I am happily married to the man of my dreams. However, it is the best of times and the worst of times. Getting married to the man of my dreams also meant uprooting my life in my hometown, leaving my family and friends, and quitting my job that I had done well with for years. Surprisingly, I found a job in my new city rather quickly, but come to find out having a job isn't everything. It's about having a job where you can have a positive impact or at least a job that you do not feel used and abused by.

Therefore I quit. 

Twice.

  

In 2008 I purchased yet another new car, but today we can't afford it. It was surrendered back to our finance company. My cell phone has been disconnected. Despite all of this, I still have a car to drive and fancy new smartphone with unlimited everything. We have a beautiful house that we own and two vehicles that have been paid for in full. Last night we purchased a fridge full of groceries. There is nothing that I need that I do not have. God is faithful, and my husband is an amazing provider.
I am living some woman's dream. So why am I still struggling with self pity, doubt, and sadness?
Come to find out, a paycheck is not just a paycheck.
My paycheck was validation for my work, and for me. It was the promise that I had something to offer. More than anything, my paycheck was a means of providing for myself. I can no longer decide and buy or plan and purchase. Everything I do must be submitted to my husband. He is not a dictator. He provides for my wants and my needs, but losing myself hurts.
Becoming one hurts.
Every time I rely on my husband for something, I am reminded of my pride. Yes. I would rather dig up change to buy a bag of Cheetos for lunch then to ask my husband if we could go grocery shopping earlier than planned because I have nothing to eat throughout the day. This is horrible, and makes my husband feel even worse. He longs for my happiness, and it is his delight to provide for me to best of his ability. It reminds me of the humility needed to approach God, and it paints the picture of God's desire to give to us His bride. My pride gets in the way.

Each time that I am reminded of my pride, I am reminded of this...

I Peter 5:6

"Therefore humble yourselves [demote, lower, yourselves in your own estimation] under the mighty hand of God, that in due time He may exalt you."

and ultimately this...

Ephesians 2:8-9

"For it is by free grace (God's unmerited favor) that you are saved (delivered from judgement and made partakers of Christ's salvation) through [your] faith. And this [salvation] is not of yourselves [of your own doing, it came not through your own striving], but it is the gift of God; Not because of works [not the fulfillment of the Law's demands], lest any man should boast. [It is not the result of what anyone can possibly do, so no one can pride himself in it or take glory to himself.]

I am a work in progress, but this I know. It is not about me. This applies to my circumstances and it applies to sex. In marriage we give what we got. If you are anything like me, the giving is your favorite part. However, surrendering isn't just about the give. It's about having nothing left. It's about out the all. It's about the submission to God's will, and the submitting to your spouse. It hurts. It's hard. It's not a wonder so many marriages fail. We desperately need God in every crevice of our marriage. God has a way of making the beautiful mess that is me into a beautiful us that is our marriage.

So whether it be in finances, sex, or career, surrender. Simply surrender. 

Ecclesiastes 3:11

"He has made everything beautiful in its time..."